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HOW KENYAN ARE YOU? – THE TRIAL OF MUHOHO KENYATTA

Ladies and gentlemen,

All rise. The court of Patriots and Pan-Africanists is now in session. You may be seated.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury,

Today, we, the true patriots and Pan-Africanists of this nation are charging Muhoho Kenyatta, the so-called modern civilised society and every other negatively Westernised African with the crime of violation of what is truly Kenyan and what is truly African.

Today, we are charging Muhoho Kenyatta and the co-accused with the crime of profaning the very symbols of what is truly Kenyan and what is truly African.

Today, we will prove beyond reasonable doubt that the accused and the co-accused are indisputably guilty of the crime of public display of ignorance of what is truly Kenyan and what is truly African.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury,

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us that mastery of English is the sole measure of intelligence.

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us to look down on every single African who has poor mastery of the Queen’s language or any other colonial language.

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us that speaking English makes us high class citizens and speaking Kiswahili makes us low class citizens despite the fact that both languages are legitimately our national languages.

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us that we shouldn’t give a damn when Neymar or Lionel Messi display little mastery of the Queen’s language but we should mock, troll and ridicule Ezekiel Kemboi and David Rudisha for the same.

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us that our African accents are to be shunned, eradicated and flushed out and that Western accents are to be praised, glorified and mimicked.

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us that children who attend international schools are brighter because they speak more English and no Kiswahili unlike their counterparts in our local schools who speak less English and more Kiswahili.

We charge the so-called civilised society with the crime of teaching us that listening to Genge music and using expressions such as iko ba makes us low class citizens and that listening to rock music and using ‘imported’ hip lingo expressions such as it’s lit makes us cool and classy.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

We charge our parents and the parents of our generation with the crime of failing to make the deliberate effort to pass unto us the languages of our ancestors and our forefathers.

We charge our parents and the parents of our generation with the crime of failing to make us spend more times with our grandparents and in the villages of our grandparents.

We charge our parents and the parents of our generation with the crime of failing to make us feel proud of our mother tongues and all our beautiful local languages.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

We charge our primary school teachers with the unforgivable crime of teaching us that speaking Kiswahili in school was an unforgivable crime that earned us the famous disc or as we who attended village schools called it, the monto.

We charge our primary school teachers with the unforgivable crime of teaching us that speaking even a single word of our mother tongues was an unforgivable crime that earned us the punishment of a lifetime or strokes of cane that will linger in our memory till kingdom come.

We charge our primary school teachers with the unforgivable crime of teaching us how to sing Kiswahili Kitukuzwe, Kwani Lugha ya Taifa over and over again without really teaching us exactly what this song meant and exactly what message this song sent.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

We charge the cool kids and the Muhohos of our generation with the crime of failing to make the deliberate effort to learn their mother tongues and to learn proper Kiswahili.

We charge the cool kids and the Muhohos of our generation with the crime of shunning and shying away from everything that smells of culture, of tradition or of Kiswahili.

We charge the cool kids and the Muhohos of our generation for the crime of believing that their poor mastery of their mother tongues and of Kiswahili makes them cool, elite, high-class citizens.

 

Ladies and gentlemen of jury,

We would ask that you find the accused and the co-accused guilty as charged for we have indeed proved beyond reasonable doubt that the accused and co-accused are unerringly, undeniably and indisputably guilty of each and every crime that they have been charged with. Thank you for your time and attention.

 

Ladies and gentlemen,

The court session is adjourned.

 

Your Truly,

THE GGW.

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